my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
