just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
