there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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