First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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