Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize