I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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