where am i from again
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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