i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
