Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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