Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
