I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
