Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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