Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
