listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
