I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize