My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just want to make out with him forever
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
