based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
