Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
