he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
