She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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