I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
third nipple confirmed
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
