Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
