Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
