i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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