So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
