Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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