So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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