just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
