I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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