my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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