Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
