low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
