got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
