Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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