but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize