i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
