Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I DEMAND FORESKIN
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
