he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
