I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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