I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wish i was in the wii world.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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