do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
this boner is exhausting
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
