So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
