nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
