I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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