apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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