If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
