Please, let me fuck your mom
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
