oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
