last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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