I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
