i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
