If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
