i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
