Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
