I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
