Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
